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5 Tips for Managing Caregiver Stress
Guest blog by Liz O’Donnell, Founder of Working Daughter

Stress! It’s inevitable in a caregiver’s life, but that doesn’t mean it has to rule, or ruin, your life as a caregiver. When I spoke with family members from Northbridge communities, their stress came in so many forms:

• 24 hours in a day is not enough.
• My siblings don’t help.
• I constantly worry about my mother with dementia.
• How do I make and execute the hard decisions?

So let me share some of  the best stress management advice I’ve researched, tried, heard, and found.

1. When Caregiver Stress is Related to Time Constraints or Exhaustion

Caregiving often feels like it will never end – it certainly did for me! When we are in the midst of it, we can feel stuck and unable to see any other way of life – and that creates feelings of hopelessness– and that’s stressful! Give yourself timelines and pace yourself one phase at a time. Even if your timelines and phases are self-created, they will help you focus and not get too overwhelmed. For example, when my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I focused on what I needed and wanted to do during her remaining time (my end of life phase). After she passed away, I gave myself until the end of the year to accept the loss (my grief phase). In January, I gave myself until June to focus on all of my father’s appointments I had neglected when my mother was sick plus all of the paperwork I had to file following my mother’s death (my action phase). It was a frustrating period full of appointments and insurance claims, but I told myself it would be over in six months. When my father came down with an illness, I created yet another timeline (take care of Dad phase). You can get through each phase – but if you start thinking about everything all at once, you’re sure to get overwhelmed.

2. When Caregiver Stress Is About Lack of Help, Loneliness or Isolation

Maybe your partner is supposed to be your  rock but he or she just doesn’t get it. When it comes to caregiving, maybe your siblings checked out. Move on. No, really. Caregiving is not the time to try to change someone. Accepting your role as caregiver means letting go of any magical thinking that someone will start behaving differently. When people show you who they really are, believe them. Look for help from the willing. If your family member is on hospice care, take advantage of the family resources. Hospice offers. Are they living at a Northbridge community? Partner with the staff there! Ask your doctor for resources. Did a neighbor or a cousin offer to take on some tasks? Let them! Don’t do this alone, but don’t expect the person who let you down to suddenly become helpful – it’s a waste of your energy.

3. When Caregiver Stress is About Overwhelm

During each (self-defined) phase of caregiving (see No. 1), give yourself permission to focus on the most critical issues and not worry about EVERYTHING. We cannot do everything at once – nor should we. During each phase of caregiving, evaluate what is most important to you – and limit that list to no more than 3-5 things. What must you do in your caregiving role? What must you do to maintain your career, or advance it, if that’s what is important to you? What is most important in your family? (Hint: it’s probably not housework but it may be eating dinner with your kids). Maybe you need to focus on your own health. Do that and put the rest on hold. It’s frustrating to defer parts of your life for a role you probably never expected to have (I know, I hear it from caregivers every day and I have experienced it myself) but it’s important to focus on reality. And we’re not talking forever – we are talking about right now. Stress comes from thinking about it all at once. So don’t. Focus on what matters now. The rest will wait.

4. When Caregiver Stress is About Helplessness

My favorite quote I discovered while writing the book, Working Daughter: A Guide to Caring for Your Aging Parents While Making a Living, is from the folk singer Joan Baez who said, “Action is the antidote to despair. “ So true! When something is worrying you, and keeping you awake at night, take an action – even the smallest one towards addressing it. It will do you wonders and help you feel more in control. Worried about your mother with dementia? Talk to the memory care team and share your concerns. Maybe you’re worried about nothing. Or maybe, your fears are valid, but they have ideas about what next step you can take.

Also remember that you are taking action every day. I know caregiving may not be anything you ever planned for, and it may not feel like you had a choice in the matter, but you did. You made the choice to step up and take it on. Feeling in control of your decisions helps you shift from feeling like a victim (helplessness) to feeling like a boss (in charge) – and that helps with the stress.

5. For Any Kind of Stress

Smile. Even if you have to fake it. Smiling may be the last thing you feel like doing, but studies have shown that the mere act of smiling can make you feel better. While I don’t recommend forcing a grin all day, I have tested the fake smile theory and it works!

Move, according to the Mayo Clinic, “virtually any form of exercise… can act as a stress reliever.” If you’re feeling flattened by stress and a true sweat is just too much effort to muster, take a walk. Even 10 minutes will start you down a positive path. Don’t think, just go. And the next day, do it again.

Caregiving is ultimately about caring for two people  – the person you care for and you! Prioritizing your own well-being is part of the process. So whatever you do, don’t stress about taking the steps to manage your own stress. It won’t just help you –  it will help the person you care for.

Northbridge hosted Liz O’Donnell for a webinar where she shared her story as well as what she learned being a caregiver while caring for herself. Click here to watch the webinar – Balancing Caregiving, Career & Family.

We’re here to answer any of your questions, please contact us if we can provide further information or if you would like to schedule a personalized tour.