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Dementia Training for the Everyday Caregiver

Northbridge associates, as part of their orientation, attend our Brass Ring Dementia education led by Kelly McCarthy, VP of Resident Engagement and Memory Care Services and BC-Ded with the National Institute for Dementia Educations (who created the Brass Ring Dementia training) or one of our Certified Brass Ring Dementia Educators.

After completing the education, associates walk away with a deeper sense of empathy for those living with a form of dementia and new strategies and ideas for how to best care for someone with dementia.

Since the program has made such an impact on our associates, and in turn the residents they care for, we thought it only fair that we share some of the learnings with you – the everyday caregiver.

Kelly McCarthy, created Brass Ring Dementia Education based on the chapters of her book, Brass Ring Memoirs – Encouraging stories using practical methodologies to help caregivers reach for their goals in Alzheimer’s and dementia care. So what better way to share pieces of her training than highlighting chapters of her book!

Tip 1 – Take Care of Yourself

We start with this, not because it is chapter 1 but for the reason why it is chapter 1 – when boarding a plane one of the first safety instructions you receive is to put your flight mask on before helping your child, parent, friend, or neighbor. Same goes for caregiving. You will never be the best caregiver if you are running on a half tank of gas with a car that’s 10,000 miles overdue for an oil change. It is important to take care of yourself so you can be the best caregiver for your loved one.

Takeaways from Kelly’s book:

Pick your fights – as humans we are programmed to live in our version of reality, we know what is right from wrong (in our reality). For someone living with dementia, this does not change. The person, living within their reality, will believe what they are saying, doing or asking is right and justified.

As humans we also like to be right. So what happens when you find yourself at odds with someone whose reality is effected by dementia?

• Option 1: you can constantly be correcting them with phrases like: ‘no you’re wrong mom, I told you it’s Thursday not Tuesday’ or ‘no Dad we went over this, David isn’t coming to get you until 2:00 this afternoon’ or the heartbreaking, ‘Mom, remember Dad died 3 years ago’.

Being constantly corrected will create and build feelings of self doubt and low self-esteem leading to depression.

• Option 2: try telling a fiblet, a therapeutic white lie that decreases anxiety. These will not work for every situation but can prove to be helpful if used in the correct circumstances. If it does not hurt the person living with dementia, let them think it’s Tuesday when it’s really Thursday or tell them that their husband is at work but will be home later.

As Kelly shares in her book, once you become a caregiver for someone, that is NOT your defining personality/identifying trait. You are still someone who enjoys hiking, going to the beach, spending time with friends – do not lose those parts of yourself to dedicate all your time to being a caregiver, it is important to ask for help.

Even more important than asking for help, is accepting it when it is offered. If someone offers help, SAY YES, even if you don’t quite know what you need help with at the moment.

Tip 2 – The Iceberg

‘Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.’ – Erma Bombeck

When talking about an Iceberg, we’re all thinking about The Titanic, right?

Icebergs are so fascinating because what you see on the surface is a fraction of the whole thing. When it comes to caregiving, the way to provide the best care is to have a full picture of the iceberg – things we can see on the surface, and all the things we can’t see beneath the water.

Takeaways from Kelly’s book:

Since most dementias are progressive diseases, they rob the person living with it of the opportunity to share important parts of themselves, things that live below the surface of the iceberg like religion, family, hobbies, medical history, education and so much more.

As an everyday caregiver, you should be asking for and seeking out opportunities for help in your role as caregiver. In doing so, you want to set everyone involved up for success by sharing things below the iceberg. If mom or dad is attending an adult day program, you want to make sure the staff are aware of the best ways to provide care, triggering objects or actions, and most importantly – what brings mom/dad joy. These are all things that live under the iceberg.

When you have a chance, we encourage you to complete the iceberg exercise Kelly mentions in her book. Try to complete lists of things that are above and below the iceberg.

• Above the iceberg – wears glasses, uses cane/walker/wheelchair, hair color, wedding band, etc.
• Below the iceberg – religious beliefs, family history (children, spouses), medical history, sexuality, etc.

If you are allowing others to provide care for your loved one, don’t be afraid to share everything that is part of their iceberg- the good, the bad and the ugly. It will only help them in being prepared to provide the best care. As a caregiver, it might be more difficult than you expect to share some of the not so great things that live beneath the iceberg because of embarrassment, fear of not being accepted or judgement. Kelly shares when it comes to providing the best care, ‘we’re great at what we do but we’re not half as good without you’ meaning without all of the information we won’t be able to provide the best care. It is so important to never be afraid to share information that will help provide the best care. The more you share about what is under the iceberg, the more successful your loved one will be.

Tip 3 – I Want to go Home

Home is not just a place, it’s a feeling – it’s safety, relief, being completely yourself, and relaxed.

Takeaways from Kelly’s book:

When someone is saying they want to go home, it’s often not a specific place they are thinking of, it’s a feeling that they are craving. In the moment they feel unsure, not safe, confused or uncomfortable.

But, what if we sold the family home and now Mom lives with me? I can’t bring her home.

The best way to bring about those feelings of home is to find objects, momentous and little touches that will remind them of home. If mom always sat with a specific blanket on the couch, keep that blanket handy for her to access. If dad drank out of a specific mug every morning, be sure it’s easily accessible for him. Even something as small as making sure you buy the brand of soap they used in the bathroom, things like this will create feelings of home. If there was always a family cat wondering the house growing up, consider having pictures of the cat around or easily accessible when Mom/Dad start searching for home. Doing this will help with redirecting their focus to something that reminds them of being home, without going to the physical place. Once you have the picture, talk about how to best care for the animal, funny stories of the chaos they would cause. It might be a good time for a fiblet, tell mom that your friend is considering getting a cat and is wondering what they need to prepare their home for the animal. This is a great way to provide purpose, redirect and foster the feeling of home.

We hope these chapters provide insight to you, the everyday caregiver, and we hope you pass these tips along to other caregivers you know.

Kelly is a wealth of knowledge about memory care and is never afraid to pull from personal experience to bring about positive solutions. She has dedicated her career to helping others better understand how to care for those living with a form of dementia and is a fantastic resource to our associates, residents and family members.

If you would like a copy of Kelly’s book, Brass Ring Memoirs – Encouraging stories using practical methodologies to help caregivers reach for their goals in Alzheimer’s and dementia care, click here to connect with a helpful advisor who will be able to provide you with Kelly’s book! 

You can also purchase Kelly’s book on Amazon by clicking here.

We’re here to answer any of your questions and invite you to download our complimentary guide Just the Facts: Your Guide to Memory Care. Please contact us if we can provide further information or if you would like to schedule a personalized tour.